Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Motorized Beer a Godsend for Lazy Frats

RALEIGH, NC--How many times have you gone to a fraternalia only to find one or two people who are just too lazy to do the hard work of collegiate level binge drinking? Do these slaggards not realize how important it is to win the race to be the first person on your floor to become a full fledged alcoholic, with all the rights and priveleges that are rendered thereunto? Well fret no more! Buttviper ("...and how's YOUR bush?") has just created the world's first motorized beer, and it is guaranteed to make either an addict or a corpse out of you in just a few short hours!! No more of that waiting months, or even years to attain that socially-sanctioned and perfectly legal status. There can hardly be a better way to make a society impotent and thus gullible than to shoot those beers down them before they become burdened by troublesome thoughts, such as "Why do I keep cheating on exams?" and "Will I still cheat when I am employed?".

North Carolina State has been chosen to be a testing ground for the newly motorized beer, since everyone there drinks, and nearly everyone is as suggestible as they come, and therefore make nice guinea pigs for the tobacco, alcohol, cola and pharmaceuticalists, where a certain degree of gullibility is required in order to believe the ludicrous claims that are made by these nutty industries.

At any rate, there is sure to be a lot of good, clean binging going on, thanks to Buttviper and indeed, the entire addictive liquids industry. And you thought beer and motors didn't go together!